The seasons of life: Week 12

We also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

~Romans 5:3-5

Week 12

Theme: Chapter 3 of 12 (Slow, create, mindful)

While savoring a peaceful moment I decided to enjoy a glass of wine. Celebrating, not just the calm that surrounded me, but also, the quiet within. It has been a long journey of awareness, observing the internal space of grief and unraveling the pain that comes with it. This time, my grief didn’t surface as an escape with wine, I had been down that road. This moment was an opportunity for me to savor a new purpose in grief. The crossroads of pain and encouragement that eventually revealed hope.  

The death of my 5-year-old son Ryan sent me in the downward spiral of grief. In 1993, when he died, grief was not a common subject, providing little information of the devastation for survivors. Grief consumed my life, and I craved the knowledge to grasp the anguish, while grappling with the overwhelming hopelessness. Without guidance, I recklessly turned to a new existence, as an amateur in the stages of grief. The anguish grew like a scab, hiding the turmoil inside. 

Grief was never easy, and for many days I did not move, tender with the overwhelm of emotions. In moments of quiet I began to find comfort with a glass of wine, unaware of the consequence. It became the only way for me to work through grief. Wearing a disguise gave me permission to let go without the tether of guilt. This toxic alliance provided a temporary escape, allowing me to be something other than bereaved. 

It took years for me to learn my tears were a sign of strength. Those tears were the communication between my heart and my soul, and not something I needed to conceal. As I penned my pain, tangled thoughts flowed onto the pages of my journals. This habit was the initial step towards healing, and the space I took provided a scale of progress. 

Tears were what I needed to soften the pain, and some days those tears filled buckets. But grief is not about hiding your pain to show strength. It is a process of revealing the scar in the darkness and allowing warmth back in. Understanding the pain behind the laughter was just another step in my journey, where my truth was told and where courage begins.

Did you know how the months got their names?

March – The name March comes from the Latin Martius or Martius menses, after the Roman god of war, Mars. In ancient Rome, this was also the month when armed conflicts would resume after the winter months.

Link to past seasons of life posts