Losing my father

Growing up I never thought it possible, the world couldn't possibly continue without him? And yet it did...

From the moment I walked out of that hospital room where he lay in Parma, I noticed the television playing loudly in a waiting room, people buzzing about and cars on the way to their intended destinations. My world had just crumbled and yet the world outside continued on as if nothing had happend. And that is when I knew my life would be forever changed.

It was 1998, I was 32 years old, my children were almost 8 and 4 and the one person I went to whenever faced with difficulties was gone, the library had burned down and all the information he hadn't yet shared with us went to.

Home for lunch everyday with his office so close to home. My mom warming him left over dinner or a grilled cheese, whatever the cuisine, he didn't mind. It was lunch time, conversation time and CNN time. Though he wouldn't dare stay past his lunch time, as he was an example to his employees too. I would often stop over with my kids where we would catch up on life, he would share his daily wisdom on the world and raising children. It always felt good spending time with him, it was a new relationship as now I was the parent looking for advice.

Events like 911 were even more horrific when I didn't have him to help me understand what was going on in the world, I am sure he would have eased our fears.

In 2003 Joe died, another time I needed my father and was blindsided by the absolute worst tragedies in life. And as if coping with this would not be hard enough, that is when our family began falling apart. Siblings no longer speaking with one another and as we battled our grief I tried to balance in a world that no longer had symmetry.

As the years continued, the losses just kept coming... 

And then I started noticing my mom forgetting things, not remembering things and growing confused and agitated. Trying to uncover the problem I called her doctor who at first shut the door on me, claiming HIPAA violations prevented her from talking to me. I told her I don't want you to talk to me, I want you to listen to me.

And there began another part of our family unraveling...