It is not a resolution

As I consider my resolutions while packing up the Christmas décor, my thoughts begin to unravel, shifting from the bittersweet of what was, to the responsibility of what is. Startled by my own tangle, I tip a favorite apothecary jar to the floor, watching the glass shatter before me mirroring the turmoil in my heart.

Distracted, I pause at an old family photo. Noticing the detail that is captured during a joyous occasion with the life I once knew engulfing more of my spirit while tugging any resolve I posses as it sends a confusing twist of melancholy to my mind.

With the loss of my father and brother, the reality is a hard hit, adding my mothers’ confusion with dementia and my sisters’ fight with a TBI, I stumble at what is left in the wake of all this tragedy. Within this sting of sadness holding me I consider the choices before me.  

Perhaps now there are no happy endings, perhaps the crawling through this minefield of tragedy is just a date where everything changes. That reminder for others to care for what they have, because soon they too will mark the calendar with loss, an anniversary of death time stamped on their heart, and then they will arrive in this place of grief, with their wounds before them, and heartbreak within them.

So I go back to my outline and consider how I can grow from these heartaches. Unable to change the situation before me, I must learn to release all that I cannot control.

With the New Year another opportunity for a fresh start, I stare at the clean slate awaiting some color. Now instead of carrying all the boxes and bags in our arms, we chaperon hope and joy in our hearts as we shift into that unsullied territory where the possibilities manifest within us.

The trick is to remain on track when another day slides by and then the months slip away and before we know it another year is gone. Preoccupied with the habits of our past, we no longer notice the little things that got us this far and soon the goals tumble from our grasp unnoticed.

Discovering gratitude in the difficulty of life slowly sheds light in our hearts, which would not have arrived without the turmoil. Gathering the blanketed stories of my history and unveiling the pain, the breakdowns and even the embarrassment of grief within them, because there is no easy way.

The season to release those old stories of our past has arrived, those pieces that seize us with excuses. Once we embrace our fears we can begin to uncover the masterpiece before us and discover the true meaning of life.

Beginning with a list of not just what to do, but where to be, listening to our hearts song, we can define each intention as we take the next step on this journey.

This year, with my intentions held closely, I am choosing the action essential to achieve them. Growing from this sadness to reconcile joy from despair.