Each morning

It is true what my friend Lisa once told me. It will be the first thing you think of in the morning and the last thing you think of at night. Thinking about the loved ones you've lost that is. While I am constantly reminded of them each day through things that happen, people I see or even just a song on the radio. Last night it was the show Grey's Anatomy that brought me there, thinking about Joe. I kept thinking if the surgical room looked like that where Joe was. Why would I even care about something like that, it doesn't change things? But I just wonder who was watching and with him when he was in surgery, when it happened. And lately when trying to go to sleep at night it hits me hard that he is gone. My brother who was only 37 years old. I still wrestle with the "why" question each night. I cry though I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. But before I do I realize what that will do by waking Joel because then I have to explain "what's wrong" and while I'm sure he wants to fix things as best he can there are many times I just need to deal with it on my own.