a bittersweet day

February 7, 2008

Today is not only my husbands birthday but also the day I lost my father. Ten years ago today we got the phone call in the wee hours of the morning to get to the hospital, but it was too late when we got there. I can still remember later that day walking out of that hospital with people in waiting rooms watching TV like nothings happened, and for them nothing had happened, but for myself I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, my world was falling apart and I didn't know how to hold it together anymore... he was only 53 years old and had so much more to live for but now I look back and wonder how time has gone by without him.

I remember during 911 wanting to call him, to have him help me make sense of everything because he always had a way of doing that...

I hate that my kids don't have a grandfather to share their lives with.

And to have it be on Joel's birthday is a tough reminder. It is also my uncle's birthday (my dad's brothers) on the same day?

Wanting to celebrate the day with Joel but knowing in the back of my mind what had happened 10 years ago.

Chelsea and I went to the shop last night after she got off work at 8:30 when no one was there and decorated his office. She made him signs, blew up balloons, got him a cupcake with a dog on it and ordered helium balloons. We filled his office and came home.