Write it down

There is no greater AGONY then bearing an untold story inside you - Maya Angelou

The events in my life have created me, shaped me and changed me in ways I had never imagined, and for that I am grateful.

So much is constantly going on in this head of mine. Thoughts spinning as I line up  what I need to do in life, what I want to do in life and what I have to do. Funny because writing falls in all categories. I need to, want to and have to! So many stories to tell, giving me answers I need while I respond to the details tucked beneath the layers in my mind.

Often times answers lead to more questions and I am back where I began, sorting through it all. But once in a while an epiphany unlocks a door enabling me to organize my thoughts into words.

Life has been in a constant flux, before you can grasp one change, another has taken hold. Don't dare say it can't get tougher, because somehow it can, and it does. After losing Ryan, I thought I'd seen my toughest days, not even thirty-years old and my five-year old sons life ended. Still hard to grasp...

I used to search for clarity, wanting everything to make sense, having a reason or a lesson to connect it all. But I don't believe that to be true anymore. Sure, we are always learning some of the toughest lessons, experienced through the hardest of circumstances. But why does one familly face more heartache than another? Certainly we are not singled out to suffer through so much  just for the lessons it teaches us or the strength we gain when we make it through. 

As we continue learning through lifes lessons, some good and some bad, we make our choices because of them. Bad decisions or bad choices are no excuse for the situation you are living with. People can change the direction of their life and not blame others for their downfalls. Some of the loudest people are the weakest when it comes to dealing with life. They lash out at others, blaming and pointing fingers. Loudness does not equal confidence, in fact it is usually the exact opposite.

Feeling compassion for those angry lost souls, constantly seeking validation, or hiding behind the insecurities they are trying to mask.  You notice their bad choices are usually because of their history and not learning the lessons. Hopefully they will learn the lessons needed to be a capable and kinder individual and I will continue to learn the lessons their actions teach.