Understanding life...

Sometimes I can't understand this life and what we go through.  I had spent the morning thinking about my brother Joe, on August 23rd it was 11 years since his aneurysm burst. He died 25 days later in surgery, but sometimes the injustice of that and other wounds in life throw me off track.

I read the quotes, live the positive life and find the undeniable truth all around me, but sometimes after being knocked down so many times its harder to get back up, or move past some of the hurts you have encountered.

There have been many wounds, I could list them all and the vindication for my emotions would be unanimously on my side.

But as hard as the lessons are, maybe they are the things you need to grow into your full potential. To be a loving, giving soul and to understand and be there when someone else goes through a struggle.

I recently read the quote that maybe things happen for you, not to you... those matters that tear the rug out from under your world, shake the snow globe of your life and break you in ways you never thought possible, those are the things that change us. Not the everyday thoughts of "I'm going to lose weight, quit smoking, or change my life" its those things that disrupt your everyday, you had no choice in their arrival into your life. They will make you stop to realize what is truly important in your heart.

After losing Ryan I really began my poetry and writing, it was there that I first noticed a glimmer of hope, by looking back at my writing, that I was slowly getting better...

Its the extraordinary grieving process that is necessary for our survival. If you had to comprehend the blow all at once it would be overwhelming. Our brain gives it to us in small pieces, giving us time to absorb the reality of what has happened.

• Denial and Isolation - When you have a hard time accepting the reality of what has happened, you wake up and your first thought is that it was a bad dream, but reality comes crashing back in again.
• Anger - Why me, is stating it midly, these things happen to other people, not me. Its a hard stage that sometimes we go in and out of
• Bargaining - When we grasp at straws of what could have been, might have been had we done things differently. Hoping we can go back and change things to have a different income.
• Depression - that overwhelming sadness that takes over your life. Not wanting to face another day of sadness, the reality and the pain so overwhelming
• Acceptance - Finally able to accept the reality of what you are dealing with and learning to  find hope again. Sometimes there are lessons we learn, other times we are there for others who need us and are at the beginning stages of their grief.

Throughout our lives we are all given lessons, some, much tougher than others, and I'm not sure why that is? The only choice we have in some of these heartaches in life is how we react after them. How we give back to others, learn and find the love that has been given to us through tragedy. The responsiblity is enormous, but if used the proper way it can lead to such healing and growth you never knew possible.