Instructions for life - Week 1

Search for a beautiful heart. Not necessarily a beautiful face. Beautiful people are not always good. But good people are always beautiful.

Uncovering grace

Week: 1

I have spent so much of my life striving for more, as if I was missing something. Making goals, setting intentions, building lists to be stronger, better, more of what, I did not know? And now, with another birthday to be grateful for, I am awakening to a different consciousness. A new place of discovery, where I want to be curious, mindful, and present in each day. 

Loss has presented many lessons in my life, and sometimes I wonder if enduring all this grief twisted into a guilt trip of sorts? As my future vanished with the death of my 5-year-old son Ryan, pieces of the present slipped away with the loss of my brother Joe, and a chunk of my past left with the loss of both parents. The brevity of their lives forced me to examine how I use my days. Flashes of remorse magnify my existence since their lives ended. That layer of guilt molded the story where I must hustle for my worthiness.

Grief exposed a need to do more and a plea to be more. The brief span of their lives became my refrain to reach, achieve, and strive for more. And because of these stories, nothing I did could possibly reconcile the time they did not have. When I ran, I needed to run faster, a constant disappointment in my progress. When I created, I became my worst critic. Nothing artistic was good enough and the frustration wilted any satisfaction of progress.

Loving myself by how I appeared or performed became the marker for my worth. Earning new clothes when I lost weight but nothing If I gained. This endless list ensured I could never measure up. I know there are many aims that can improve our lives. Like running a marathon or quitting smoking. But as each accomplishment caused more disappointment than joy, I began to disappear in the lists of what I should be doing, instead being satisfied in who I am.

Five years ago, at my 52^nd birthday I wrote for a year about gratitude. This year, I am choosing to unravel the negative stories of worthiness, while I dig deeper to recognize the grace in who I am. Untangling the stories I believed as true with curiosity, not judgment. Breathing life into the narrative that will nurture and support this journey of being me.