52 Weeks of gratitude - Week 5

"I will never forget the moment they told me that your heart had stopped. Even though mine broke in that second, it strangely kept beating." ~ Zoe Clarke Coates 

52 Weeks of gratitude: Week five

It will be 20 years on Wednesday since my father died. I still grieve that loss...

3/12/44 - 2/7/98

Twenty years of reality rumbles painfully through me as the truth of your existence collides with my age. I am irritated. Your death still leaves me cross. Frustrated that you could not quit smoking and resentful of your fleeting life.

Repeatedly I cast a plan to flush out this heartbreak, a fractured damn seeping with bitterness as I lose my grip for gratitude. Unpacking sorrow bit by bit your life so concise pierces my thoughts in the pit of grief.

Death from any distance mirrors the accident of a stranger. The shock of sadness trembles into view yet like the traffic exiting the highway, dissolves as you pass, marooning the bereaved in their grief.

I reconcile the hurt with a balm of hope as the echo of your void resurfaces. Anguish dwells like an unwanted guest and envy stings at my heart. Abandoned memories stir from the moments we never got to share as I witness the families of others.

How does one learn to accept the void of the life they never got to share?

Assembling an image from their words tenderness puddles in this collection of sadness as loved ones reminisce of your life.  Your death feels like a misunderstanding as if I could explain why you were needed more here.

So I gather up my courage daring me back out into the world. Shifting within the hollowness I grasp at the light where a beacon still glows and like the spring after a long cold winter, there is hope daring me upward.

Illuminating the path I slowly shift towards something new, releasing the ache, at least for a bit.  A child is born, a joy revealed within the lingering sorrow. Tucking away the sadness I celebrate the smiles that greet me as I forever wonder what could have been.

If you are just joining, HERE is the first post on the journey

• January - Body/Self
• February - Heart/Grief
• March - Mind/Mindful
• April - Awakenings/ New beginnings
• May -  Family /Friends (share your gratitude)
• June - Nature/Outdoors
• July - Summer/Active
• August - Compliment instead of complaint
• September - Education/autumn
• October - Motivation/Influence
• November - Thankfulness
• December - Kindness/Pay it forward